(Top: Leaving Cincinnati early Friday morning Bottom: Lexington, Va is full of history containing two very old colleges)
I left early Friday morning last week for Virginia. I had 400 miles that I needed to put under my car by four o'clock p.m. So armed with two Krispy Kreme Doughnuts and a bottle of orange juice I left my house headed for a place where I learned more about who I am in four months than I have learned in all of my years combined, Virginia Military Institute. Tucked away in the Blue Ridge mountains, Lexington, Va provides a peaceful backdrop which some would see as a sharp contrast to one of the toughest schools in the country. Founded in 1839, VMI is steeped in tradition. Every August the best and brightest high school graduates gather to form what is call the "Rat Mass." Over the next 5-7 months these college freshmen will prove themselves to be worthy of being called forthclassmen and cadets. This process is formally known as the "Ratline." Those who cannot make the cut will go home and study elsewhere, but those who do conform and learn the VMI way will leave with their class rings, a diploma, and the honor and pride that comes with being a VMI graduate.
While most college freshmen are consumed with parties and bing drinking, cadets at VMI are schooled in the finer arts of marching to cadences in unison, saluting, and straining. They will soon become one body and one mind all working in harmony. Over the next four years these boys will be forged into men. They will eat together, sleep together, study together, and above all they will learn to rise and fall together.
(Top:Barracks as seen from across the parade deck Bottom:Jackson Memorial Hall with Stonewall Jackson standing guard out front)
It was August 17th, 2002 when I matriculated into VMI. I was seventeen years old when I first walked through Jackson Arch as a cadet and I was scared out of my mind. I pressed forward though, armed only with the reassurance that God had led me to VMI for a reason beyond my own understanding. My goal was to become a Chaplain in the United States Army. Though as I would soon learn God's plan and my own differed greatly.
(Top: I am on the left with a few of my brother rats and while Mr. Nathan Canfield, rat challenge Cadre is laying across Bottom: Jed Tan (R) my accountability partner and Bart Payne (L) one of my Rat roommates)
Around Thanksgiving I was struck with a confusing word from God. I felt very strongly that God was now telling me to leave VMI. But how could this be? I know that He told me to go to Virginia. Why would he ask me to leave? I was supposed to stay four years not four months God! But with much apprehension I did leave VMI on a chilly day in November. I soon felt lost and confused. I felt as if I had no purpose anymore. I was soon approached with an opportunity to serve in a drama ministry in Minneapolis. Once again God called and I answered. (I often associate my life with that of Isaiah who was called by God even though he was sinful and lived among sinful people.) I spent the next fourteen months consumed with ministry. I learned a lot about life, myself, and God through my experiences with Forecast Productions. I left Minneapolis in March 2004 confused once again. If God really did have a plan for my life he had a weird way of showing it.
(Top:View from inside Jackson Arch, Jackson's inscription mentioned below visible Bottom:Barracks as seen from outside Lejune Hall)
After three and a half years of searching and wondering, God revealed himself on a hot summer afternoon at a junior high week of camp. This is another topic entirely that maybe I will write about in the future. When august of 2005 came around I once again found myself sitting in a college campus, once again a freshman. But this time things were different, I had a purpose, a calling that I could no longer deny. So while my VMI friends will graduate May 2006, I will be a junior. This is to say the least, frustrating.
I have never fully let go of the hurt and disappointment that I experienced at VMI. The rhetorical question of "what if?" always seemed to linger in my mind. What had I missed out on by leaving? Had I really heard God's voice or did I just leave because I wanted to? It was the quest for answers to these questions that led me to VMI last weekend. I wanted to make peace with my past and say hello to friends that have always been there for me.
(Top: Jed and Bart Bottom: The Old Hospital whose upper level serve as Chaplain Park's offices)
I arrived on post (campus) around three o'clock p.m. The post was dark and wet from the rain that had recently fallen. I made my way to the Old Hospital whose upper level now serves as offices for Chaplain Park. As I walked up the creaky steps I could hear Chap's voice. His door was open because he was meeting with a girl who turned out to be Jessica Fulton. She was in my company rat year, no one really thought that she was going to make it through rat year. But here she was a firstclassman and a christian now. Chaplain Park, Fulton and I spent the next hour or so reminiscing and catching up. As our conversation developed I became aware of something that would soon prove to be very profound.
The reasons for which I had believed I left were not the same reasons that Chap held. I had always thought that I had left because of a stupid prank that was pulled and I stood up for what was right and was rejected by my peers for this. Chap however saw that the reason I left was because of who I was and how I was being treated by my mentor, a firstclassman (senior). I had stood up for what was right, when he had not. I was a christian first and a cadet second. I was not going to sacrifice this for any reason. I would soon learn that my example has caused Chap and those under him to reconsider how they taught cadets to act. They could still be cadets holding onto the traditions of the school and at the same time be christian men and women.
(Top: Crozet Hall aka the Mess Hall Bottom: Inscription on the Parapit)
I had never considered that this was the reason that I left. In reality Chap's view on why I left is actually more accurate than my own. I am a Christian first no matter what. VMI was making me sacrifice this. I am in no way saying that those who are cadets cannot be christians. I am say that the be a christian in the world is hard; to be a Christian in a military school is harder and there is a need for it to be taught and takes a special person to accomplish this. Yes, God had different plans for me. I questioned what was going on at VMI and maybe that is why God sent me there. I do not know. I now think that my time there was not in vain as I had for so many years.
I took Tan and Payne out to dinner that night, then we went and got ice cream. It was really good to see them. They seemed to be doing really well. I hope that these to men will continue to be my friends over the years. We should all be so lucky as to have men of such character next to us.
I left VMI saturday morning for the first time finally content and at peace. God had showed me that the "what if?" was his territory. I was in His hands and I had nothing to fear. I think that Gen. Stonewall Jackson said it best when he said, "Never take counsel fo your fears." This is written above the tables in the mess hall for all the see as they eat. I have often thought of his words and found comfort. I left, finally not broken, wanting to return the next August for the Rat line but rather proud that I spent time there. I am comfortable saying that I am not a graduate of VMI. But I am an Alumnus. For that much I will forever be thankful to God because His path led me the post of VMI, where boys become men and God reveals Himself to those men, like me.
I am sure that there is much more that I could write about this but I will close with this. Another quote from Stonewall Jackson is forever inscribed for all to see as they enter barracks, "You may be whatever you resolve to be." I remember this as I approach each new day, seeking to be what God intended me to always be, HIS.
