The awakening Part:1

(This post will make more sense if you read the post titled "The Vision" first.)
As I stare at a blank screen my prompt taints me to write, beckons me to conjure words that will be of meaning(This is day 11 of writing this). With every pause the prompt flashes as if to say, "Come on you can do better than that!" My mind runs too fast and my mouth and fingers too slow. How could I possibly put in to words what God has been teaching me? Is there some greater purpose for my feelings? And who cares! Maybe I am afraid of my mind because of what I will find when I get there. Anne Lamott said, the mind can at time feel like "a dangerous neighborhood where you wouldn't want to go alone." But she suggested that "The secret is that God loves us exactly the way we are and that he loves us too much to let us stay like this, and I'm just trying to trust that." So I change, though, I am afraid of what that means. I know I will fail at times but this doesn't surprise me and it surely doesn't surprise God.
So what does it mean to, “Pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on me?” Why do I believe “my feeble whispered faithless prayer” will ever be heard or even answered by the great God almighty? My life has been ruined to live for another, my faith has been shattered to be replaced by a greater and my prayers that where quietly sung in the dark alleys of my soul now see the power that they can carry. But how, no... why does a God so great care for one so small. A broken promise, a whispered prayer, resounding forgiveness. Forgiveness over and over again! To make the move from empty to full can be a daunting task but the unconscious move from full to heavy is even harder to bare. I don't want this move but it comes on me calling my name. "Feel my pain Robby. See those that I love, love them the way I love you. Offer them grace." In your face grace! Nothing you can do about that kind of grace it just happens, like when you fall in love. you can't help with who, it just happens. In this case God can't help but love us, and I, even in my sinful, nasty state, I can't help but love him back. C.S. Lewis once wrote, "There are no ordinary people. You have never met a mere mortal. Nations cultures, arts, civilizations-these are mortal and their life is ours as a gnat. But it is with immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit-immortal horrors or everlasting splender." So I stop more now to listen istead of talking. Speak to me Father
"Be like me Robby, move with the wind. Love people, conquer evil, boast in me. For I am already the winner." "Mobile like the wind" I don't have a clue as to what my future holds but I can feel it coming, see its effects, rising like the morning sun. I pray that God will guide me through this time. He always has. I know that I can trust him more than I trust myslef. Knowing that my future is "his 3-D". I trust him because there is "more to me than I know." The poet Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote a description of Michelangelo saying, "That was a man beyond measure-a giant- who forgot what the immeasurable was. He was the kind of man who turns to bring forth the meaning of an age that wants to end. He lifts its whole weight and heaves it into the chasm of his heart." A mere man described with such passion? I can only be this type of man with your help Father.

So God, I will meet you wherever you want, walk the longest mile, swim the deepest sea, and climb to the top of the world if that is where I can meet you. I am yours and you are mine. I am mezmorized by your love, lost in your grace and carried away by your hope. I need you know more than ever. There are many doors to choose from but only one that leads to You, Abba. So I come to now, just me, no mask, just the weirdo, freakish Robby. I lay down my life for you so that I may give life to another, that other is myself. I love you!

I just want Him who made me. It is only a matter of time now until his cloud and fire guide me. "Our longing to know who we truly are will never be satisfied until we embrace solitude-not loneliness, that's a different thing-but genuine solitude where we discover that we are TotallyLoved by God."-Brennan Manning So I am going to spend more time with God than I have in the past. With his strength then I can overcome my sins instead of being overcome by them.